Wow, this year is almost over. I’ve made some amazing discoveries about myself. Things I was surprised to realize. I think I’m a completely different person than I’ve thought I am. When you spend your life thinking you are living for a particular thing, just to have something (or someone) come along and make you realize that you were living for the wrong thing is incredible.
I never thought of myself as strong, determined, talented, beautiful, motivated. I’ve been weak-I’ve let other people (i.e. ex-boyfriend) define me. I’ve let people tell me I’m lazy, or indecisive, or whatever. I’ve let other peoples opinions or suggestions or views of me shape who I ‘was’. Then Princess came along, and I HAD to be strong, determined, motivated. I had no choice. But I’m ok with it. Having a child and having to struggle with her has completely changed me. She helps to define me. I’m mommy. I’m happy with that. But being mommy meant I had to find that strength somewhere inside and I finally have found it.
I’ve been looking back on the last years of my life and have realized that there were a lot of lies in my life. Not bad lies necessarily, I guess more untruths. I was untrue to myself, to the people around me, but mainly to myself. I was being who i thought I was supposed to be, and not who I really am.
2011 will be a year of showing my true self. Making ME happy. Making Princess happy. My life is MINE and I’m not living it for the approval or needs of anyone other than ME and PRINCESS. I haven’t quite decided if I’m ok with the loneliness I feel these days. I don’t know if I’ll always be alone. Right now I’m going to say YES simply because the time or honestly the desire to ‘find’ someone isn’t there, and even though I do have the lonely moments, I don’t think its worth it right now to complicate things. I’m trying to make myself into who I want my child to see me for. I need to make sure I’m able to do what I can to make sure she will grow up a strong person, talented, beautiful, motivated. All the things I wish I’d made sure of for myself.
But I’m working on that for myself now.