So apparently today is National Honesty Day…I have a few honest things to get out. I’ve been thinking the last few days about my past, my future, Princess and her future. What kind of person I want her to be. I have to set the example for her. I always thought (arrogantly I might add) that I was soooo strong. I’m this tough single mom, doing it all by myself. I actually hate to ask for help which is why I never get a sitter and I used to never ask my mom to babysit so I could go anywhere. She is MY daughter so she is MY responsibility. I have no right to go out and have a life of my own. i chose to be a single mom and now I have to accept the responsibility and give up my life….there is a reason for that paragraph I just wrote and I’ll get back to it.
I used to be described as sweet, quiet, I never complained, I never said no, I cared too much about what everyone else thought so I wanted nothing more than to be the ‘perfect’ girlfriend, the ‘best’ friend, or the most valuable employee. I never spoke up, I never complained, I never bitched. Now I feel like I’ve gone to the complete opposite side of the spectrum. I’m whiney, I’m bitchy, I’m always negative. I can blame it on things like stress from never sleeping (Princess is NOT a good sleeper and never has been) or stress from being a single mom. But honestly….I dont know what it is. I really don’t. I was thinking about some past relationships. I’ve dated some guys who really treated me like crap because I wouldn’t ever speak up for myself. I allowed them to continue to neglect me or ‘hide’ me. Of course the downfall of dating guys you work with that are either above or under you on the totem pole is needing to be discreet. But it comes down to feeling like they were embarrassed of me. And a man who truly cares about you should be proud to hold your hand in public, give you a hug, talk about you to his friends. As my very wise friend said “Don’t make someone a priority who only makes you an option’. J was like that-I was his option. And he was my priority. My world. So frustrating. Even when we no longer worked together and were on the same level at work he still acted like he didn’t want anyone to know. Of course now I know he was just a flat out asshole. I also realized that the last couple of relationships I was in I was so sarcastic and just flat out bitchy. Always suspicious of a kind remark, or bitchy when someone didn’t answer me immediately (he shouldn’t have a life outside of me duh) I used to tell J that I was ‘a perfect girlfriend’ when I was so sullen and clingy and temperamental. I have this horrible temper and I just don’t know where it suddenly came from. But I still care too much about what OTHER people think than what I really want or feel.
I’m not strong. I’m mean. I have become so hard, so easily angered by annoying people. The littlest things will make me so mad at work, and its sort of ridiculous. I miss my happiness. I miss waking up looking forward to the day. The best parts of my day are when Princess wakes up with her big smiles and giggles and when i pick her up in the afternoon. But I know that she and I need more in our lives. We need happiness and fun and excitement. And I’m going to find it. I’m going to find the old happy me. Let the sarcasm and snarkiness go. I’ve been spending time with some new friends lately and its really been helping me feel better, I think I may be finally breaking out of the rut and finding the old me again. While i admit I really hate being single, I always have believed you can’t make someone else happy until you make yourself happy. so thats what we are doing. me and the princess. Moving forward with laughter, happiness, and fun.