So I’m looking back on my life. At the crazy things I did, the bad things that have happened to me and around me, the stupid things that I’ve done that I really should have suffered for. I know that no one’s life is perfect, I understand that but I’ve witnessed and experienced things that I wish I never had. I’ve seen abuse and suffering. I’ve done things that if I could take them back I proooobably should. I haven’t been the best person in my young and crazy days. But. I had fun. Stupid fun, but not many regrets (dating the creeper guy who stalked me and stole my picture is a regret, not following through on trying out for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders is a GIANT regret. Going crazy on an ex is a regret – even though he absolutely deserved it)-I always had that demon and angel sitting there side by side fighting my good girl side. Cause I used to be a pretty quiet, shy, reserved kid. But then my junior year of high school happened and….well….I know I probably stressed my mother out with stupid things I did (not including the ones she never even knew about!)and for that I’m sorry but dang I had some fun when I was younger. Nights spent drinking and dancing in the rain. Hanging with the fraternity boys and the prep school boys. Going dancing 4 nights a week. Dating anyone I wanted anytime I wanted (those are some regrets right there). Back when I had no regard for anyone but myself and my friends and thought I was invincible. Now I’ve grown up, some at least. I’m trying to reel in my crazy dontmesswithmeoryouwillregretit Irish side. I’ve definitely reeled back my crazy drinking side-mostly because now I’m a mom and sit at home the majority of the time. I miss being able to go to a bar and hang out at 9 pm on a Thursday. But I know that what I’m getting instead, time with Princess, is 10000x more important and more fulfilling. Besides, it takes me a heck of a lot longer to recover from a night of drinking as it did before! A little of the Tia’s cooks ‘special morning breakfast’ and a Bawls energy drink and I’d be good to go by 11 am! Now I’m still struggling 48 hours AFTER I STOP drinking! I sure miss working in restaurants some days.
But all those things I did or that happened to me shaped me into who I am. And maybe I’m not the good person now I think I am, and maybe if I told someone all my demons I’d be better, but so much is so personal that I don’t want to open the gate to the memories. And perhaps I think someone wouldn’t accept me if they knew what I’d been through. Or I don’t want them to feel sorry for me. I struggled with some hard times that I wish I could just block out but it made me a stronger person. I’ve let people use me and treat me badly and I just accepted it or hid it from others. But it made me a stronger person. Its also made me a little more angry and defiant and harder to deal with, and I know I’ve pushed a few guys away because of that. I have trust issues. I absolutely know that. I have a hard time letting someone in and accepting that they care for me. I know that too. I’m working on those things now that I’m older and can recognize my own weaknesses. And I think that’s a big sign of growing up. When you can recognize those things that hold you back and you actively try to change them. I’ve been working on trusting people (friends as well as love interests) more lately. My recent breakup stung quite a bit since I was beginning to trust him whole-heartedly and clearly shouldn’t have (or it was just too late and I didn’t realize it) but I can’t continue to let one person at a time put another brick in that wall I’m trying so hard to tear down. But when it happens over and over at what point do you say ‘I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t take another heartbreak or disappointment’. But if you give up and leave that wall up are you cutting yourself off from finding happiness? Or do you just say ‘fuck it, I’ll never be in a relationship again because its too risky’. Or where is that line between being a bitch because you are protecting yourself and just being cautious? I can’t walk that line. I’m always 3 feet over on the bitch side.
How many times do you get hurt before you give up? Or should you just always believe that the good people are out there and you will eventually find them? And they will be so good they start to mend those bits of trust that are broken? Well I may have just answered my very own question since I’m beginning to realize I can not only trust but count on the people in my life right now. I guess it takes just finally finding the ones that FIT and giving yourself that one last vulnerable moment to let them in. And hope with all hope that you have made the right choice in who you surround yourself with. I think I may have finally found those people and I’m fighting every crazy over emotional thought in my soul that says to stop it because at some point you have to tell your demons to STFU and conquer them.
I’m finally standing up to those demons and I feel like I’m starting to win the battle. At least getting on a better war field I suppose. Are you fighting your demons yet?